apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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