It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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