Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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