My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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