Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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