just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
