The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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