he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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