my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
