So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
