If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
