I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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