Hey man sorry I got all grabby
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
