please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
