this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
