my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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