we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
