he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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