She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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