ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
