Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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