i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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