Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
