omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
