there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
