I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize