so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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