yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
