There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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