How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
