This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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