plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
it's like iHOP with fire
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
