Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
