True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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