508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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