He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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