at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
