You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
