Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
