"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
two words: eviction party
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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