I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize