So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
