I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Your shirt... Was in my pants
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
