I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
