his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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