i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
