The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
