I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
