I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
