I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize