How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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