Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
