We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
