Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
