I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
