so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
