Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
why do cheetos always look like penises
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
