i was born a porn star she said
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
