She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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