I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
