My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
