You smell like a Billy Joel song
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
