you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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