I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
