Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
