I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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